THE DORKING REVIEW
Robert J Halls
Robert J Halls
Nice place Dorking. It's got a very well laid out pay and display car park, and a particularly exciting dry-cleaners located just off of the main shopping area. Residents and visitors alike can also pass a most agreeable summer's afternoon admiring the town's extensive collection of street lights and public litter bins.
However, during the winter, when the cold easterly wind blows in from across the vast empty expanse of the plastics factory's car park next to the B2347, it can be a different story; the good people of Dorking are then obliged to seek shelter indoors.
It is during those long dark winter nights that The Dorking Review comes into its own, as not only do the articles within give the reader a warm comforting glow, but they can also chuck it on the fire once they've read it.
This edition of The Dorking Review contains all of the good things that the discerning reader would expect from a book, including a lot of words - some of which are arranged into coherent sentences, a few pictures, and a free DNA sample from someone who once visited Ipswich.
For many years now, the cynical, dysfunctional, deluded and often drunken staff of The Dorking Review have produced their periodical, safe in the knowledge that nobody of any great importance was ever likely to read it.
Now, after much argument, violence and bribery, a book version of that fine journal exists - which nobody of any great importance is ever likely to read either.
Dorking Review is an amusing satirical collection of absolute nonsense. Any references to real people, events, incidents, businesses, organizations, locales and countries were used to give each story, news or otherwise, a certain feeling of authenticity. However, these articles were a complete fabrication of like-minded individuals bent on harassing your peaceful existence, and perhaps putting the reader's brain into a virtual comatose existence.
The authors, all eleven of them, including the editor Mr. Gary Moore, the publisher and the usual gang of misfits that might be involved in the production of this Dorking Review will not be responsible for any injuries however caused, to persons, places and things, as a result of reading, believing and the possibility of losing money betting on the authenticity of the news and reviews announced in this publication.
We would be delighted to hear from you, our readers, for future editions of The Dorking Review. We value your thoughts and suggestions and should you find items for correction, please do not hesitate to send us a note. ($100 would be perfect.)
Tell us which stories were particularly good that you might think would make Oscar wilde, Gene wilder and Lucille ball (or which ones didn't work for you because you were raised by a priggish chimpanzee in the outback).
Most importantly, please send us feedback or feed us your donation. Either way, if you enjoyed The Dorking Review, let us know and please tell your family and friends or even your pastor, or that irritable postman. Better yet, send a copy to each one.
And if you feel it needs improvement, well, that's your problem, but, let us know as well.
Send your thoughts to Mr. Gary Moore, editor at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Available Sept. 11, 2011